DISCLAIMER: This is a fictionalized account of an actual happening. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and some facts have been added to make the story more dramatic. No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog post.
OK, now that the stupid legal stuff is out of the way, let’s get to the fun part! Remember that girl I told you about, Lucy? Here is her story! Oh, and I graciously grant you the privilege of ignoring the fact that this post is exactly one week late. How magnanimous.
[Anyway, movin' on. My comments will be contained in brackets. Like these! --> ]
Our story begins… with a wedding; [YES!! My favorite subject! ]
Or, rather, before the wedding [Eh… not as exciting; but still cool]...
...more specifically, dress shopping [ -_- OK, seriously, this had better pick up soon…].
The Scene:
It is a cold, ominous winter night. There is no sun to light the gloomy outside as the wind howls through the bare, bent trees. Our heroine [victim?] is a young woman we’ll call “Lucy”.
Lucy is the maid of honor in the wedding of her best friend. [see? I told you there’d be a wedding]. We’ll call the best friend “Zilla” [Oooh, now things are getting’ good!]
At the time of our story's beginning, everyone was asleep. Everyone, that is, except Lucy. She awoke at 3 AM to the sound of Beethoven’s 5th on her cell phone. Oh no… she thought… it’s Zilla. What now?
Then she remembered.
Dress shopping today!!!! [eeeew! I’m already feeling sorry for Lucy…]
She groaned inwardly at the perky message as she looked distastefully at the phone in her hands. Deciding to dare the wrath later, she switched off her phone and curled back up under her warm covers, determined to sleep until a more reasonable hour. Zilla could just wait. [good for her!!]
Not three seconds later, the house phone began going off. [there is no way…]
About two minutes later, her mother came plodding down the hall. [yes way]
The footsteps stopped. There was a knock at the door.
Lucy got up and opened it, shaking her head and making manic “I’m not here” signs all the while.
[smart girl; maybe Mom will pick up on your subtle hints that you aren’t available to talk to the twit]
“Oh good, honey, you’re awake. It’s for you!”
[Great. Thanks Mom.]
She put the phone to her ear and flinched as a rapid torrent of inane and slightly manic drivel came pouring out before she got a chance to say hello. Something about a fabulous day and a bit about lace [no lace, madam, I beg you!] in there somewhere.
She wasn’t quite sure due to falling asleep with her bubbly BFF chattering in her ear. [did you ever consider pre-recording unintelligible grunts of acquiescence and half-hearted indications of interest? Because honestly, that’s all this girl seems to need…]
Zilla wanted to be picked up at 7:00 that morning, as her appointment with [insert ritzy-and-rather-snobbish-wedding-dresserie’s name here] was at 10:00 AM.
[Wait… she wants to be picked up at 7:00… when her appointment is at 10:00… and her chauffe--- I mean, maid of honor – got a max of 3 hours of sleep? How very thoughtful…]
The day improved from there. Nothing eventful happened in the three hours between picking up Zilla and going to R&RSWD [ritzy-and-rather-snobbish-wedding-dresserie… now get that puzzled look off your face. I just thought the acronym would be easier]
After arriving at R&RSWD and having seen the undersides of eleventy-something upturned noses, Zilla was ushered into the back and Lucy finally relaxed. Now she could just sit whilst her friend tried on dress... after dress... after dress...
Sitting back, the lack of sleep finally hit her, and she went into a vegetative state [if you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile.... NO! Not that kind of vegetable. We are not twelve.]
Little did our long-suffering heroine know was that things were not going as planned in the back of the store. Zilla was getting her sweet on with the R&RSWD staff because she had forgotten to make an appointment.
She was oozing generosity and agreeableness from every pore, hoping to get in today because Oh my WORD, she would simply fall apaht if she couldn't hayave a dress from R&RSWD. They ah the ONLY store in town she would consider bah-ing her dress from! It just would make her weddin' that much less speshul.
[If you didn't hear Scarlet O'Hara in there somewhere, go back and read it again]
After a moment of sweet reprieve for Lucy, Zilla re-entered the front of the store, happy as a clam at her newly acquired appointment.
When Lucy finally startled into a state of consciousness, she looked at the clock and realized it was 10:20.
It is still unclear whether Lucy was too zoned to hear the appointment update from Zilla, or if it was never mentioned; regardless of how it came about, Lucy, knowing of Zilla's dislike of unpunctuality [it is a word NOW], decided to do something about the tardiness of the famed dress designer.
[Uh oh...]
She took a deep breath....
[Hey, uh... Luce?]
...straightened her shoulders...
[What are you planning on doing??]
... marched right up to a nearby employee...
[I CAN'T WATCH!!]
... and politely asked if there was anyone nearby who could help them as their appointment had been at 10:00 AM.
[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -- wait. Huh. I guess that's not too bad. Maybe I should try reading these things all the way through before I blog about them]
Zilla, who had heretofore been admiring herself in her compact mirror, snapped her head around and looked at Lucy with a look of utter shock.
"I can't believe you just did that"
[Wait... what? She just asked if there was someone who could help. It's not like she smacked him upside the head with her purse, demanding to see the manager. What's up with this chick??]
Turns out, the nearby employee was not an employee. It was the R&RSWD's head designer, coming to help them at long last.
[O.o... like I said, I'll read ahead next time...]
This is where our story ends. I don't know if the fitting went well, if there was a fitting, or if the R&RSWD designer teamed up with Zilla to throw Lucy out of the store like worn out tulle...
All I know are the facts I've just relayed to you.
Oh.... and Happy New Year.
Cheers,
MP
Little did our long-suffering heroine know was that things were not going as planned in the back of the store. Zilla was getting her sweet on with the R&RSWD staff because she had forgotten to make an appointment.
She was oozing generosity and agreeableness from every pore, hoping to get in today because Oh my WORD, she would simply fall apaht if she couldn't hayave a dress from R&RSWD. They ah the ONLY store in town she would consider bah-ing her dress from! It just would make her weddin' that much less speshul.
[If you didn't hear Scarlet O'Hara in there somewhere, go back and read it again]
After a moment of sweet reprieve for Lucy, Zilla re-entered the front of the store, happy as a clam at her newly acquired appointment.
When Lucy finally startled into a state of consciousness, she looked at the clock and realized it was 10:20.
It is still unclear whether Lucy was too zoned to hear the appointment update from Zilla, or if it was never mentioned; regardless of how it came about, Lucy, knowing of Zilla's dislike of unpunctuality [it is a word NOW], decided to do something about the tardiness of the famed dress designer.
[Uh oh...]
She took a deep breath....
[Hey, uh... Luce?]
...straightened her shoulders...
[What are you planning on doing??]
... marched right up to a nearby employee...
[I CAN'T WATCH!!]
... and politely asked if there was anyone nearby who could help them as their appointment had been at 10:00 AM.
[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -- wait. Huh. I guess that's not too bad. Maybe I should try reading these things all the way through before I blog about them]
Zilla, who had heretofore been admiring herself in her compact mirror, snapped her head around and looked at Lucy with a look of utter shock.
"I can't believe you just did that"
[Wait... what? She just asked if there was someone who could help. It's not like she smacked him upside the head with her purse, demanding to see the manager. What's up with this chick??]
Turns out, the nearby employee was not an employee. It was the R&RSWD's head designer, coming to help them at long last.
[O.o... like I said, I'll read ahead next time...]
This is where our story ends. I don't know if the fitting went well, if there was a fitting, or if the R&RSWD designer teamed up with Zilla to throw Lucy out of the store like worn out tulle...
All I know are the facts I've just relayed to you.
Oh.... and Happy New Year.
Cheers,
MP
I've always thought the Maid of Honor should be the carrier of the official wedding bat'leth. And that she should rally every bridal party excursion with the war cry, "Today is a good day to die!".
ReplyDelete